Paranormal Mates Society: Chunkybuttfunky Read online

  Paranormal Mates Society: Chunkybuttfunky

  Dakota Cassidy

  All rights reserved.

  Copyright ©2006 Dakota Cassidy

  No part of this e-book may be reproduced or shared by any electronic or mechanical means, including but not limited to printing, file sharing, and email, without prior written permission from Changeling Press LLC.

  ISBN (10) 1-59596-299-9

  ISBN (13) 978-1-59596-299-7

  Formats Available:

  HTML, Adobe PDF,

  MobiPocket, Microsoft Reader

  Publisher:

  Changeling Press LLC

  PO Box 1561

  Shepherdstown, WV 25443-1561

  www.ChangelingPress.com

  Editor: Sheri Ross Carucci

  Cover Artist: Sahara Kelly

  This e-book file contains sexually explicit scenes and adult language which some may find offensive and which is not appropriate for a young audience. Changeling Press E-Books are for sale to adults, only, as defined by the laws of the country in which you made your purchase. Please store your files wisely, where they cannot be accessed by under-aged readers.

  For my good friend and fellow babe Pam. Thanks for sharing a good giggle with me every morning and for ending each day on such a high note! You’re smart, funny, proud and fiercely supportive. For this and so much more -- this one’s for you, doll! And another thanks goes to the most wonderful man I know. R is a man who shares the other half of my warped sense of humor and my twisted brain, has the uncanny ability to read my mind and spew what’s right on the tip of my tongue when I can’t and most of all, loves me -- every last wacky bit -- because I’m “his guurl.”

  Love and kisses always,

  Dakota :)

  Chapter One

  “Hey, all you Milwauuuukeeee night dwellers! This is CC, for the Nocturnal Journals, on B 105.5 FMMMMMMMM. Your lifeline to the nighttime. Call in and give me your views. Yep, I wanna hear them. The good and the oh-so-bad. Tonight’s topic -- online dating. It’s the hottest thing in hooking up these days. Do ya think you can really find the match of your dreams in just one click? I wanna hear your story! Gimme a holler at CC-in-the-eve -- that’s 224-684-3383. Talk to me, Milwaukee. I’ll be waaaaitiiiiing…”

  Cadence Cranston clicked off her headset and swung her chair over to her computer while she waited for the commercial break to be over. Her topic tonight was inspired by her real life experiences, and she was curious to know how many people actually might be in the same sinking boat she was in.

  The online dating Titanic-like sinking boat, that is.

  Yes, Cadence Cranston, night time DJ and vampire, had joined an online date site to troll for guys. Not just any guys though. These men were of the paranormal persuasion and plentiful on Paranormal Mates Society.

  Weeeeeeeee doggie -- gazoodles of men to be had in every blessed paranormal category.

  It was a new cyber haven, where hooking up with the mate of your dreams was finally a reality. Who knew a place like that even existed for her kind? It sure as hell made finding a date much easier on a vamp. There was no explanation involved if you wanted to hit the O negative for a little pick me up. It was refreshing and required far less hassle than dating a human.

  However, this dating thing was becoming her favorite pastime as of late. The e-mail alone was enough to keep her amused for centuries on end. Cadence found herself glued to her computer every chance she got.

  It couldn’t be healthy.

  Nay, it was downright pathetic…

  Ooooh, but look! More e-mail.

  Yee and haw.

  Cheerist, she was sickly addicted to this bullshit e-mail, sadly compelled to check it every free moment she could dredge up.

  As if the man of her dreams was going to pop up, and she might miss it because she was fixing her lipstick in the powder room or something.

  Clicking on the date site, Cadence perused her inbox and sighed with defeat. It was too bad that most of the men who contacted her were stupidheads.

  So many whacktards, so little time.

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Subject: Dayum!

  Dear CBF,

  Wow, could I ever sink my teeth into you! Looks like you got plenty to sink into . How about we hook up and nail a herd of cows together?

  Dave

  Oh-my-God. A herd of cows? What kind of vampire sucked the blood out of cows anymore?

  Cadence Cranston shuddered and then, for good measure, she shuddered again.

  Fricken’ vampire Neanderthal, knuckle dragging, Angus beef, blood sucking dork… God, what had she been thinking when she’d joined this damn online dating site?

  She’d been thinking of sharing her Happy Meal instead of eating it alone…

  “Oh, the Internet is the hottest thing in dating,” her friend Pam had said. “You’ll love it. Tons of men to be had,” she’d boasted. “They even have a category for big and beautiful immortals and the like. You’ll get loads of e-mail and have the social life of Paris Hilton. Trust me.”

  Cadence stared at the computer screen and flipped it the bird. She’d rather be dead than read one more flippin’ loser’s e-mail.

  Oh, wait, she was dead.

  Pam had been right. She did get lots of e-mail. It just so happened that for the most part, the e-mail was from psychotic nuts allowed Internet time for good behavior at the wacky farm. However, she was pleased to note that said psychos on the site rather liked her curves. She wasn’t ashamed to call herself big and beautiful, and she was damn proud of the junk in her trunk.

  Sighing, she grabbed her mouse and clicked on the reply button. Someone had to tell Dave he was a freak…

  To: [email protected]

  From: [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Dayum

  Dear fucktard,

  Cadence shook her head. That was mean. Probably true, but still, really not very good cyber dating etiquette. Backspacing and deleting the “fucktard,” she began again.

  Dear Dave,

  Thanks for your response to my profile.

  However, beef is not what’s for dinner.

  Good luck in your search,

  CBF

  There, Cadence thought, buh-bye now.

  Oy.

  How could it be that there wasn’t a single vampire on this site that appealed to her? ParanormalMatesSociety.com was specifically designed for paranormals in today’s society. It wasn’t easy to be immortal, and finding someone to share that immortality with was harder still.

  Yeah, everyone said her lifemate would pop up when she least expected him. However, Cadence was of the mind that until then, she needed to frost her Wheaties and for that, she had to find the Wheaties and some milk.

  Paranormal Mates Society had everything from vampires to mermaids, alternative lifestyles and even demons. Surely there was someone out there that was a decent date? She remembered giggling over how funny the acronym for the site was.

  PMS… that could well describe what finding a good date was like these days. She’d never forget how excited she’d been over the ad Pam had sent her for Paranormal Mates Society. Most of the sites she’d seen advertised on TV were not for chicks like her, but this site was specifically geared toward her kind.

  www.ParanormalMatesSociety.com

  Welcome to Paranormal Mates Society, where finding the love of your life is supernatural, super easy.

  Tired of squeamish humans passing you over because blood is your beverage of choice? Do you long to indulge in intimate moonli
t jaunts with a potential Pet Smart Companion? Are your fins fed up with the goldfish bowl of dating? Did the devil make you give up on ever finding your soul mate? Long to soar to the heavens with the match of your dreams?

  Fill out our in-depth entry form. Browse thousands of profiles from paranormals just like you! Make new friends -- find the immortal man or woman of your dreams with just one easy click.

  Let us help you find the paranormal match of a lifetime at www.paranormalmatessociety.com -- where meeting the perfect match can be out of this world!

  Don’t wait -- join with our special offer for a free trial basis now. Choose the membership that best suits your search for the perfect paranormal mate!

  The Heavenly Membership:

  Allows you unlimited on-site e-mails to and from your own personal e-mail account. Send and receive as many e-mails as you’d like to find and communicate with the paranormal partner of your dreams! Upload as many as four pictures to the site -- a premium mate-seeking tool! Our Heavenly membership also brings with it full access to all of the Paranormal Mates Society’s member profiles and additional features such as “vibes” -- the ultimate way to express your interest! -- and Instant Messaging. Purchase a three or six month Heavenly membership package. The three month package is loaded with features and available for only $29.95 per month, or get crazy and take our value package for six months for just $22.95 per month!

  The Purgatory Membership:

  Our trial mate seeker package is totally free and includes sending and receiving up to five e-mails per day and allows you the option of sending up to two vibes a day!

  Cadence had signed on for the Heavenly Membership almost immediately. It meant she might be able to get the hell out of the house or the radio station occasionally. Share a cup of blood with someone besides Granny Edna every other Tuesday. She loved her grandmother, but sometimes, when she saw couples strolling together or watched their hushed conversations at a secluded restaurant, her single status smacked her in the face with a resounding wallop.

  So, how could it be that she’d been on the site for two damn months and not a single desirable vampire to be found?

  The problem wasn’t in getting a date. She’d been on a date or two since she’d joined, all right.

  Cheerist, had she ever been on a date or two.

  An inter-shifter date or two, a date or two she’d like to have amnesia as a result of, a date or two that involved coupons and a permanent chair at Starbucks.

  The problem was finding a date that would hold her attention for more than the time it took to wipe her ass. It was becoming less like fun and more like trying too hard. No one sparked her interest for very long. No one even ignited an ember of a spark, let alone a flame. Hell, if she could get a good spark going, she’d be willing to get on the ground and blow on it to turn it into anything that was even remotely lukewarm.

  But alas, no such luck as of yet.

  Her focus returned to her newest obsession. It was time to get aggressive.

  Ding dong, more e-mail calling.

  Checking her watch, she decided to scan some more of the e-mails, before she had to go back on the air.

  Cadence clicked on the profile of a particular e-mail caller whose user I.D. caught her attention. Niiice pic.

  Fo shizzle, he was finger lickin’ good.

  Howling-ly hot, in fact.

  A werewolf? Huh. That was one breed she’d not dated thus far.

  Oh, God, please, please, please let him be normal… Okay, maybe “normal” wasn’t the word she was looking for. At least let him be done with his prescription of Prozac. Was that too damned much to ask?

  As she read the profile, Cadence smiled.

  [email protected] -- Alpha Male seeks shifter’s delight. Six-foot-four, dark and sometimes hairy, seeks mate for serious relationship. Must love hitting a field or two for a moonlight run -- Steak Tar-Tar and a good back scratch. I love children and hope to someday have a whole litter. I’m open to an inter-shifter partnership -- love a lady with junk in the trunk, but it isn’t necessary. I foresee finding the woman of my dreams here and I won’t leave disappointed. No players, control freaks, one-night stands or social climbers need apply. If the only game you like to play is Charades, I’m the guy for you -- e-mail me and I promise you, you’ll have a howling good time.

  Cadence laughed at his use of the expression “junk in the trunk.” It was her favorite way to describe her ass, which had far more trunk space than most mid-sized vampires, but still seemed to appeal to the opposite sex.

  Glancing at his location, she realized he lived in England and his name was Carter. Carter, Carter, Carter, silly, but cute man. What were you thinking when you e-mailed someone who lives in God damned Wisconsin?

  Fuck.

  Well, England was nice.

  Jolly good for him.

  Not so jolly good for her.

  Bloody men.

  Cadence sent rawmeatlover1969 back a nice response, thanking him for his interest and mentioning that quite possibly, swimming the Atlantic to get to one another might be a drag for a first date. Besides, she didn’t have a floatation device.

  Damn it all, he was cute too. Cadence deleted him with regret.

  The trouble with this online thing was people seemed to forget not only their inhibitions, but their locations.

  It was like real estate. Location, location, location was everything and sometimes, one could get swept away looking at all of the pretty profile pictures and forget they lived fucking thousands of miles and a couple of oceans from their intended prey.

  Cadence decided to add Wisconsin residents only to her profile. Admittedly, her photo was a smidge grainy but she was a vampire. They weren’t exactly photogenic. Maybe she should rewrite her profile? Her eyes strayed to the small blurb that had taken her three days to get right before she’d uploaded it to the site. She was no writer, for sure, but she’d thought it was pretty self explanatory and, most of all, direct.

  I’m thirty-two, work in radio and I’d like a date sometime before this millennium ends . I’m friendly, funny and curvy. If anorexic chicks are your bag, I’m not the girl for you. I like animals, children and would love a family someday, but I’m in no rush. No serial killers, infidels, health nuts or guys who want to hit the Super Eight Motel on the first date, please. If you’re interested, contact me at [email protected].

  Making the change, Cadence flipped her headset back on and positioned herself at the microphone, preparing to take calls from her listening audience.

  “Helloooo, Gordon from Beaver Dam. You’re on the air with CC! What’s on your mind?”

  “I just gotta say, that the online thing is crap. I signed up for one of those damn sites and went on a few dates. What a train wreck.”

  Gordon’s thick, mid-western accent made Cadence chuckle. “What happened?”

  “Well, I e-mailed a chick and her picture was hot, you know? I’m all juiced to meet her. We have some stuff in common -- we got to know each other a little, shootin’ e-mails back and forth -- so I ask her out. I pull up to Bob’s Big Boy for our date and I can’t find her anywhere.”

  “Dude! She stood you up?” So far, that hadn’t happened to Cadence, but she’d heard it often did.

  Gordon snorted into his phone. “Hah! I wish. I get outta my truck and I’m lookin’ all over and she comes up from behind me, ya know, callin’ my name. I turn around and jumpin’ Jehosaphat -- she ain’t the girl I e-mailed.”

  Cadence fought an on air giggle. “Ahhhh, what was wrong?”

  “Wrong?” he squawked. “What was wrong was that her picture had to be at least twenty years old and her hips, twenty years older.”

  “So whadja do?”

  “I feel kinda bad now, but I pretended like I didn’t know her. Hit the bricks as fast as I could and took off in my Chevy pick-up like a pissed off daddy was chasin’ me with his shotgun.”

  Cadence’s chuckle was deep a
nd resonant. “You just left her there? That sorta sucks, Gordon. She might have been nice if you’d given it half a chance.”

  “Ya know what sucks, don’t ya, CC? What sucks is women think it’s okay to put up a picture that’s older than Methuselah. That’s misrepresentation, if you ask me.”

  “Tell me something, Gordon?” Cadence prompted. “Did she have feathered hair and spandex in the picture on the site?”

  “Well, yeah…” he responded, rather contritely.

  “I don’t wanna call a spade a spade, Gordon, but that might have been your sign. Did you read her profile? Look at her age?”

  “I know, I know. I wasn’t thinking, I guess. I got all caught up in the crap they feed you about finding your soul mate.”

  “Do you really want a soul mate, Gordon, or do ya just wanna get laid?” Cadence teased. Her listening audience was well aware of her lightly antagonistic, humorous pokes at them. It was what had made her a hit and had gotten her the show to begin with.

  Gordon snickered. “I’m not gonna lie to ya. Sure, getting laid would be great. I’m a guy, but I really do want someone to hang out with and maybe someday, marry.”

  “Did you hear from her again?”

  “Oh, yeah, I heard from her again, all right. She sent me a long winded e-mail about what a jerk I was and how looks aren’t everything.”

  Cadence nodded her head in the silence of the studio. “I gotta agree with her, Gordon. Looks aren’t everything.”

  “Yeah, but she lied. Maybe if she’d been honest, she might not have gotten much e-mail, but she sure as hell would have had someone who was interested in the real her, ya know?”

  “So online dating leads to misrepresentation, then?”

  “Hell, yeah, it does! You can be whoever you wanna be to rope some poor jackass in, and that just ain’t right.”