The Accidental Human Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Acknowledgements

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  CHAPTER 7

  CHAPTER 8

  CHAPTER 9

  CHAPTER 10

  CHAPTER 11

  CHAPTER 12

  CHAPTER 13

  CHAPTER 14

  CHAPTER 15

  CHAPTER 16

  CHAPTER 17

  CHAPTER 18

  CHAPTER 19

  CHAPTER 20

  EPILOGUE

  PRAISE FOR THE ACCIDENTAL WEREWOLF

  “Cassidy, a prolific author of erotica, has ventured into Mary Janice Davidson territory with a humorous, sexy tale.”—Booklist

  “If Bridget Jones became a lycanthrope, she might be Marty. Fun and flirty humor is cleverly interspersed with dramatic mystery and action. It’s hard to know which character to love best, though: Keegan or Muffin, the toy poodle that steals more than one scene.”

  —The Eternal Night

  “A riot! Marty’s internal dialogue will have you howling, and her antics will keep the laughs coming. If you love paranormal with a comedic twist, you’ll love this book.”—Romance Junkies

  “A lighthearted romp . . . [An] entertaining tale with an alpha twist.”—Midwest Book Review

  MORE PRAISE FOR

  THE NOVELS OF DAKOTA CASSIDY

  “The fictional equivalent of the little black dress . . . funny, sexy, and a must-have accessory for every reader.”—Michele Bardsley, national bestselling author of Because Your Vampire Said So

  “Serious, laugh-out-loud humor with heart, the kind of love story that leaves you rooting for the heroine, sighing for the hero, and looking for your own significant other at the same time.”

  —Kate Douglas, author of Wolf Tales

  “Dakota Cassidy is going on my must-read list!”—Joyfully Reviewed

  “If you’re looking for some steamy romance with something that will have you smiling, you have to read [Dakota Cassidy].”—The Best Reviews

  “Ditsy and daring . . . pure escapist fun.”—Romance Reviews Today

  Berkley Sensation Titles by Dakota Cassidy

  THE ACCIDENTAL WEREWOLF

  ACCIDENTALLY DEAD

  the ACCIDENTAL HUMAN

  THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada

  (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

  Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.)

  Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia

  (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.)

  Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110 017, India

  Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand

  (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.)

  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196,

  South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  This book is an original publication of The Berkley Publishing Group.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  Copyright © 2009 by Dakota Cassidy.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  BERKLEY® SENSATION and the “B” design are trademarks of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  PRINTING history

  Berkley Sensation trade paperback edition / March 2009

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Cassidy, Dakota.

  The accidental human / Dakota Cassidy.—Berkley sensation trade pbk. ed.

  p. cm.

  eISBN : 978-1-101-01472-1

  1. Women sales personnel—Fiction. 2. Selling—Cosmetics—Fiction. 3. Vampires—Fiction. I. Title.

  PS3603.A8685A64 2009

  813’.6—dc22 2008049049

  http://us.penguingroup.com

  DEDICATION

  For my friends who love my craziness like a red-blooded male loves a good Victoria’s Secret catalogue: Diane Whiteside, Sheri Fogarty, Kira Stone, Michelle Hoppe, Angela Knight, Erin, Jaynie Ritchie,Vicki Burklund, and Kim Castillo.

  A very special thanks to Terri Smythe, Michele Bardsley, and Renee George because—suuunnnschineeeee on my schoulders makes me haaaaapppyyyy. They’ll know what that means—I hope they know what they mean to me.

  As always,The Babes and my Yahoo! group of “Accidental Fans”—you guys rule! Some fans that flew from parts near and far to come to my crazy book launch party—Amy, Kaz, Ali, and Alana—dudes, you da coolest.

  My poor mother, Eleanor, who does everything for me but brush my teeth, and even then, she leaves a sticky note on my desk to remind me it’s a no-discussion rule.

  My sons, Travis and Cameron, who’ve found deep meaning (and dinner) in the middle of two pieces of stale bread and a slice of pasteurized American cheese.Thanks for making due when I don’t have time to cook. Mommy loves ya.

  My editor, Cindy Hwang, who so gets me and offered me the opportunity to finish this series that is so close to my heart. Leis Pederson, her assistant, who’s brilliantly organized and crazy awesome.

  My agent, Deidre Knight, without whom none of this would be possible.

  Nina Bangs, who, when I began writing just four years ago after reading so many of her books, inspired me to take paranormal romance to the place I call zany and made me feel like it was crazy cool, but above all, okay.

  And always, Rob, who smiles fondly while the swirling cloud that can sometimes be me and my personality flits from place to place, but also because he’s taught me what it is to be loved by the real definition of a man. He cheers my successes, soothes my fears, and knows nothin’ says lovin’ like a Starbucks white chocolate mocha.

  A very special thanks to Elaine Smythe. Here’s to a woman well loved, a battle well fought, a friendship forever remembered and cherished.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  To Wikipedia, Diane Whiteside (brilliant writer), whose knowledge of all things historical left me shamefaced and very grateful she’s my friend. To Gerianne Bliss, MD, who answered many of my medical-symptom-type questions. Also, to the Johns Hopkins website, and Iamtransgendered.com. And to all the women who may read this—please, please, see your gynecologist for regular checkups and pay it forward by hassling the crap out of the women in your lives to make sure they do, too.

  CHAPTER 1

  “Wanda?”

  Damn. Not Nina. Not now. “Hey, Nina. What’s up?”

  “What’s up? Did you just ask me what’s up all casual-like? Have you lost your fucking mind? How could you ask me what’s up? What the hell�
�s up with you?”

  Wanda ran a shaky finger down her list of things to prepare for tonight’s Bobbie-Sue in-home party and answered distractedly, “I don’t know what you mean.” She braced the phone against her shoulder and put her pen behind her ear. Darn, had she made enough vegetable dip? Oh, God—vegetable dip was crucial to any in-home party. A clammy sweat accumulated on her palms as she grabbed her pen and searched her list of things to do for the amount of vegetable dip she’d made.

  “What do you mean you don’t know what I mean? Were you up reading those stupid romance novels into the wee hours again? What’d I tell you about reading that shit? It’s bad for your eyes, it leaves you with unrealistic expectations of a man, and it keeps you up too late.Then you don’t get enough sleep, and lately, you really look like you could use some shut-eye.”

  Running a finger over her throbbing temple, Wanda struggled to stay focused and ignore Nina’s gibe about her appearance. She had a damned-good reason why she looked so tired. Like the biggest reason ever.

  A sob welled in Wanda’s chest, begging to be set free. Breathing. She was breathing. At least for the moment, anyway. Next week? Maybe not so much. “Look, lay off the romance novels, okay? They’re my escape and I’m not going to defend them to you for the millionth time. Besides, don’t make me break out the ‘alpha male’ card.You have one, and so does Marty. So again, I say, those romance authors can’t be far off the mark. Now, I’m lost, Nina, and I have tons to do before tonight’s Bobbie-Sue extravaganza. So what are you talking about and hurry up, you cranky night dweller. I have a Bobbie-Sue in-home party this evening, and I haven’t even begun to make my cheese log yet. Do explain and please, by all means, do it with your potty mouth. I learn new words to add to my truck driver’s vocabulary every day being friends with you.”

  If Nina were still a breather, Wanda just knew she’d screech a frustrated sigh. Instead she huffed into the phone. “Oh, the fuck you don’t know what I mean, Ms. Schwartz. Where were you today?”

  “Today?” Today . . . had there been anything else before today? Would there ever be anything else again?

  Nina’s words hissed in her ear, screeching her perpetual infuriation. “Yes, today! You were supposed to meet Marty and me to do some shopping and have lunch, remember? You know, the ‘drag poor Nina down to the fucking fashion district and make her look at knock-off designer shit until her eyes bleed’ date we had today. I put on a ton of friggin’ sunscreen for this stupid shopping thing, Wanda. You so know what it’s like for me to be out in the sun during daylight hours, and you couldn’t even call to tell us you wouldn’t be there? I’m a vampire, for Christ’s sake, Wanda. A day trip is a lot of work for me. It’s an event. And I don’t even eat lunch anymore. Besides, do you know the hell I suffer when Marty drags me around, yapping constantly about my color wheels when you’re not there to shut her trap up?”

  She’d totally forgotten about their lunch date. But Nina was still talking about Marty in the present tense. Which meant she’d graciously allowed her to live another day. Verrry generous.

  Crap, how could she have forgotten something as important as lunch and shopping?

  Because your life just came to a screeching halt this afternoon and the blue-plate special at Hogan’s with fries on the side are, in the scheme of life things, falling just a little short after today.

  If she didn’t think of some excuse for why she hadn’t shown up, Nina’d drive her out of her mind with guilt, because Nina was a vampire, and it was a big risk to go out in the “fucking sun,” not to mention, it fried her like so much bacon. And Nina never let them forget the sacrifices she made for her friends—never.

  She did, however, let them know in the way of the most colorfully foul language. Wanda had to admire Nina’s way of letting off steam, though—even if it made her cringe when they were in public. If only she could swear openly the way Nina did.

  If there was ever a day to cuss up a blue streak—today was the day.

  Today.

  Her heart hammered in her chest with a rhythm so loud she could hear it in her ears. Where she’d been today had an easy enough explanation—but it had taken a turn down Complication Road quite suddenly and rather drastically. Wanda scrunched her eyes shut, forcing the darkest moment of her life to the back of her mind, and focused on Nina’s voice.

  The one that was all filled with sarcastic guilt meant especially to make her feel like crap.

  And Nina was good at it, too, because guilt settled in like a newly constructed house settles into its foundation.Wanda scrambled to make up something—anything to get Nina off her back. She had, after all, been the one to suggest they meet, have lunch, and then do what she and Marty did best. Shop. While they dragged a pissy, crabby, non-fashion-loving Nina behind them. But she was the crappiest liar evah, and how she was going to keep where she’d been today from her two best friends in the world, escaped her. It wasn’t like she could hide what had happened—eventually she’d have to spill. But she just wasn’t ready yet. “Uh—I—I had a Bobbie-Sue emergency.”

  Brilliant. Because really, eye shadow emergencies happen hourly in the world of cosmetic sales.

  What multilevel cosmetics saleswoman had emergencies so severe in nature they had to skip lunch and shopping with their two best friends?

  It was makeup—not world peace, as Nina had so lovingly once reminded both Wanda and Marty, when they’d all been active recruits for Bobbie-Sue. Well, active was subjective for Nina. Nina had hated selling Bobbie-Sue, and, truly, if honesty sometimes went hand in hand with brutality, she’d blown at it. Major suckage. Nina’s sometimes bully-like nature didn’t make for many customers. Actually, that wasn’t true in retrospect. It had made for one, and that was only because Nina had scared the shit out of her, and while sobbing in fear for her life, she’d bought some foundation or something. Out of luck, and out of her stenographer’s job resulting from downsizing, no one had heard Nina kvetch more than she and Marty.

  Finally, Nina had found a government-funded job-retraining program, and she’d willingly given up selling Bobbie-Sue to go off to college and become a hygienist. Which hadn’t worked out so well, seeing as on her first day she ended up accidentally bitten by her very first patient—who’d turned her into a vampire and then into his life mate.

  Oh, the crises they’d seen each other through this past year or so.

  “Wanda, are you paying attention?” Nina cut rudely into her thoughts.

  She shook her dark head no, but said, “Uh-huh.”

  “So what was the emergency?”

  God, the suspicion she heard in Nina’s tone.What was this, the frickin’ Spanish Inquisition? Did she have to explain everything? “Just an emergency.” She allowed her voice to become vague.

  Nina snorted into the phone. Wanda envisioned her tugging at her long, dark ponytail in irritation while her lips thinned. “Oh, reeeeaally? What happened? Did someone have a color wheel crisis? Lose their favorite lip gloss? Gouge out an eye with a mascara wand?”

  Wanda’s face flushed with instant anger, and she had to grip the edge of her table to keep from telling one of her best friends in the world to shut the ef up.

  She took a deep breath and rose from her chair to peek into her fridge at the festive canapés she’d picked up for the party. “Oh, knock it off, Nina.You’re always poking fun at my job, but it pays the bills. And I hate to be a braggart, but I do have a sky blue convertible from sales to those in color crisis. So stop snarking on me for selling cosmetics at Bobbie-Sue for a living and accept my deepest apologies for not showing up today.” Wench.

  Nina tapped on the phone with what Wanda figured was her unpainted fingernail. “Yeahhh, sure, Wanda. Okay, and now, the truth, and don’t goddamn lie to me again. Not for one second do I believe you’d miss lunch and fucking shopping, Wanda—we are talking clothes here—because you had some Bobbie-Sue crisis. So spew,” she demanded in the way Nina was so gifted at.When Nina wanted something, she’d beat you up fo
r it. If not physically, then with her potty mouth.

  Wanda ran a hand over her grainy eyes. She did have a good reason. Just not one she was willing to share right now. She fought the sudden rush of tears and the lump in her throat. If she played up the fact that Nina was right—which Nina liked nothing more than to be—that’d shut her up. At least temporarily.

  Appease, appease, appease. That was how to deal with Nina Blackman-Statleon. In fact, if appeasing were a qualification for a job, between Marty and Nina, Wanda’d have a Swiss chalet and a yacht. All she ever did with the two of them was appease them. Buffer their arguments—make nice. Stand between them when Nina threatened to rip Marty’s head off and shit down her neck. It was exhausting.

  How the three of them had become friends should be on the list of the world’s greatest mysteries. Right up there with Stonehenge and crop circles.

  But she loved them regardless, and if they had even the slightest sense of what was going on with her and why she’d missed their lunch/shopping date, they’d roll over her like a pair of Mack trucks and she just wasn’t up to that right now.

  Not today.

  So she gave in. “Hookay, you win. See me fly my white flag in defeat.You’re right, Nina. I’m a putz. A total a-hole for missing our date. It’s definitely the crappiest thing I’ve ever done. In fact, the friend police should come and haul my bad-friend butt away and throw me into the pokey. Happy?” Taking a deep breath, Wanda waited. She could mentally see Nina cocking her head, then absorbing Wanda’s statement, smiling with glib satisfaction.

  Nina’s tone lightened instantly, even if her harsh words implied differently. “Damn right they should.”