The Accidental Human Read online

  Nina shoved her hands into her trench coat pockets, knocking shoulders with Wanda. “You sure you wanna do this, Wanda?”

  She nodded her head, her brown hair falling over her shoulder, sticking to her glossed lips. Irritated, she flipped the strands out of her face.Yep. She wanted to know what was up with Heath. That she was spying, sneaking around, and dragging her friends into this venture with her was shitty. In light of the fact that her time to find out anything about him was limited, she’d decided last night—she wanted answers. “I’m more than sure. But let Marty tell us her news first.”

  “So what’s up, dawg?” Nina snickered.

  Marty smiled again, the smile of a woman with a secret. “More dogs.”

  “Say again?” Nina replied, her almond eyes showing she was clearly puzzled.

  Marty said nothing. Instead, she cradled her arms together, swinging them back and forth in front of her.

  Nina groaned. “We don’t have time for fucking charades, you German shepherd. Get on with it.”

  Wanda inhaled sharply, placing a quieting hand on Nina’s arm. She knew exactly what Marty meant. “A baby?” she squeaked.

  Marty grinned, then snorted. “Yeah—me—with a baby. Whoever thought I should be responsible for anything other than Muffin is probably crazy, but I’m three and a half months along and scared and excited and scared.” She rubbed the very small mound of her abdomen beneath her oversized red sweater, pulling it tight so they could see the evidence.

  Wanda threw her arms around Marty’s neck and hugged her hard, clenching her eyes shut and biting her lip to keep from crying. A sharp stab in the region of her heart—because more than likely, she wouldn’t live to see Marty and Keegan’s baby born—came and then dissipated. Life would go on without her—that it would go on with Marty giving birth could only make her smile. She refused to let it be any other way. “I’m sooooo happy for you and Keegan! How is the dad-to-be?”

  A wave of Marty’s hand showed off the engagement ring Keegan had given her, a time that seemed like so long ago now. “He’s grumpy, and overprotective, and in general a pain in my ass. Which, by the way, is spreading.” She slapped her back end for emphasis. “You’d think he was the one having this baby. I’ve had some morning sickness—I’ve had some around the clock sickness, too,” she said, with a tinkle of laughter. “I didn’t want to freak you out if I yarked all over the place while we hunt down this Heath. So I figured it was time to fess up.”

  Wanda’s smile was wide, her heart full of bittersweet joy for Marty. “So Keegan’s happy about the baby? Forget I asked that. Of course he’s happy. There isn’t anything that man wouldn’t do or endure for you.”

  Marty snorted. “Happy? Puulllease—he’s beyond happy. It means he’ll carry on his line in the pack, and that makes any werewolf proud.”

  “So are you having humans or puppies?” Nina snarked, but before Marty could threaten her with the usual WWE fare, she grabbed Marty’s hand and squeezed it. “Very, very cool. I’m gonna be an aunt. I love babies.”

  Wanda was skeptical. “What do you know about babies?”

  Nina held up her keys, motioning them out the front door. “Not a fucking thing. I just love the way they smell, and I know I don’t want any, but I’m happy to spoil the shit out of whatever Marty ends up having. I can buy a leash or a baby blanket.” She paused in the doorway. “Let’s take my car, we’ll stop for your dinner on the way home. Marty’s eating for two—or is that six, you know, like a litter?”

  “It’s one baby, smart-ass. I had an ultrasound and all that fun va-jay-jay doctor stuff,” Marty assured her, flicking her fingers on Nina’s arm.

  Wanda got into the front of the car with Nina, tightening the belt on her coat. “God, it’s cold.”

  Nina pulled out of Wanda’s driveway, glancing at her briefly. “So, you wanna tell us what made you decide to spy on this Heath guy?”

  “Nope.” She made a firm line of her lips.

  Nina gripped the steering wheel tighter. “Why the hell not?”

  Wanda covered her face with her gloved hands in shame. “Because I’m being a nosy busybody, and I hate it, but where he lives and maybe even with who is killing me. Okay? So don’t snark on me for it. Just get me there.”

  Nina must have sensed her determination, because she didn’t pick. “He’s on Dunlap, right?”

  “That’s what his Bobbie-Sue application said. It isn’t far—just not in the best of neighborhoods.” Wanda flipped the dials on Nina’s dashboard, turning up the heat.

  Nina swatted at her hands. “It’s too fucking hot in here. Leave the damn thing alone, and the last thing you have to worry about is the hood he lives in. Me and Marty can take care of whatever might go down.”

  Wanda nodded knowingly. “That’s exactly why I asked you to come. But don’t put up those dukes unless asked, got that, Sugar Ray?” Wanda warned. “I want to be as inconspicuous as I can. In and out.”

  Nina grunted. “Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna park a street over, and we’ll walk so we can hide and all that stupid Mystery Channel shit. Marty? You okay with walking—your ass looks like it could use the exercise, but I don’t want you to blow a gasket on account of the baby.”

  Marty reached from behind and slapped Nina on the top of her head. “Just drive, Elvira. I’m fine walking. I’m also fine with a good smack down if you don’t shut up.”

  Wanda couldn’t take commotion or the usual chaos between them tonight. She was already on edge for being so sneaky, and instead of just asking Heath where he lived and if he lived with anyone else, she was finding out the hard way—the Get Smart way. It was ludicrous. “Both of you knock it off! Can’t you see I’m fragile here?” she yelped, hearing her raw tone, then cringing because of it.

  “Sorry,” Nina mumbled in contrition.

  Marty reached a hand around the seat and rubbed Wanda’s arm. “Yeah, me, too, honey. I don’t think you have any reason to feel guilty. It’s your right to know about who works for you. Especially if you question his character.”

  Wanda’s sigh was ragged. “That’s not why I’m doing this. I think his character’s just fine. I’d almost feel better if that was why I was doing this.”

  “Well, whatever your reasons are, we’re here,” Nina announced in her no-nonsense way, pulling into a free underground parking garage.

  Wanda hopped out before they could prod her anymore. She tightened her scarf and sucked in her cheeks.

  “If we go down this alleyway, it cuts across to Dunlap.” Nina pointed to her left as they climbed the small hill to exit the lot. “It puts us right at the number of the building you gave me, according to my GPS.” She rubbed a hand against her thigh, clad in faded jeans with a huge hole in the knee. “And when we get to said destination, I’d like some more concrete answers about this little mission we’re on. Let’s roll.” Nina latched onto Marty to help her around some bags of trash that had spilled over from the smelly Dumpster in the narrow passage between the streets.

  The three women came to a stop at the corner of the path, huddled in the alley behind the faded red brick building, allowing each of them an unobstructed view of the entire street Heath claimed was his address. If Heath happened along, and Wanda couldn’t see him from this far away, Nina and Marty, in all their paranormal glory, sure could.

  “Got a question, Wanda,” Nina said, her dark eyes glittering in the shadows.

  “Question me.”

  “What makes you think we’ll even see him outside? Wouldn’t it make more sense to just go knock on his door than to hang around back here with the stench of garbage?”

  Of course that’d make more sense, but nothing about Heath made sense. So why should this sojourn make sense? “Just give me a minute, okay? Let me work up to this. I’m already freaked out enough because I feel dirty for lurking around back here. I’m hoping he’ll miraculously walk out of his building and I won’t have to go banging on his door. But if he doesn’t, then I’ll go knock on his door,
all right?”

  “We’re doing this again, why, Wanda? Details, pronto,” Marty demanded.

  Wanda pinched the bridge of her nose. “Fine, I’ll tell you. Because I want to know what the hell this guy’s gig is, okay? I mean, he has a designer suit, he speaks in full sentences, and his manners are impeccable. Why would a guy like that want to sell makeup? Something’s very, very fishy. So just call me curious.”

  Marty nodded her head. “Okay, that’s a perfectly logical explanation. However, I do want to point out something. Why do you give a shit if, in the long run, he’s making you money? Who cares where he lives and how?”

  Her guilt over spying on Heath gave way to a rare display of frustration. “Because I fucking want to know! Now would you be quiet, Marty, and just stay still? Jesus, you two suck at this!”

  Nina tugged on the hem of Wanda’s jacket.

  “What now, Nina? I can’t watch the front of the building if you’re distracting me like a two-year-old.”

  “You’re swearing again. While I gotta admit, it’s totally cool by me, you’ve been doing it a lot lately, and it’s just not you. So what gives?”

  Wanda shrugged her shoulders, feigning indifference. “Nothing gives. I just decided I’d subscribe to your way of thinking. What harm can using the word fuck cause? It’s almost cleansing—refreshing. Now leave me the fuck alone and shut the fuck up.”

  Nina’s hand landed firmly on Wanda’s shoulder, pulling her backward so Nina’s lips were near Wanda’s ear. “Okay, first rule of swearing. Never, ever tell me to shut the fuck up, ’cause I will fuck you up. You can swear at anyone you’d like but me. Practice on Marty. And you make the word fuck sound like it came from Florence Henderson’s mouth—so work on that, would ya?”

  Wanda reached behind her, pinching Nina’s lower lip between her forefinger and thumb. “Get off of me, vampire, and don’t tell me what to do. You two are always telling me what to do, and when you’re not telling me what to do, you’re fighting over who should be the one to tell me what to do. So knock it off and shut your mouth. This is about me. Me, me, me. Okay?”

  Nina laughed, flicking at Wanda’s fingers. “Okay, already. You know, you so rock lately, Wanda, I can’t even get jacked up enough to be pissed at you. I kinda dig this feisty, mouthy version of you.”

  “Good, then you won’t mind when I tell you one more time, shut it. I’m trying to concentrate here.”

  Marty laid her chin on Wanda’s shoulder, her perfume filling Wanda’s nostrils, and for a moment, Wanda savored it, closing her eyes and inhaling. The scent was the essence of Marty, and she never wanted to forget it. Marty nudged her arm. “This guy Heath—why the interest if he’s nothing more than a measly rep? I mean, weren’t you the one who played like he wasn’t all that interesting? Why, just a little while ago you were telling us he was just okay. So I get that he’s a guy, and no guy I know wants to sell makeup, but again, honey, why do you care if he’s making you money and he’s not that big of a deal?”

  “Uh, Marty?” Nina leaned over Wanda’s other available shoulder. Marty shooed her with a twist of her wrist and the clink of her gold bangle bracelets. “Didn’t Wanda tell you to shut it?”

  “Yeah, and if she does it, it’s almost okay.When you do it, it just pisses me the fuck off. But in light of the fact that I may have the answer to your question, and you’re preggers with puppies, I’m going to forgo whipping your ass.”

  “Whaaat question, for God’s sake?” Marty asked with exasperation.

  “The one about why Wanda wants to know more about Heath.”

  Wanda craned her neck to look over her shoulder at Nina. “Why does Wanda want to know about Heath, Nina? Do tell, because me, being the Wanda in question, is giving you her full attention.”

  “Because if that’s Heath”—Nina pointed her finger to the left, directly at a man who was indeed Heath, who was standing with another man in a black suit on the curb by a mailbox—“dude can rock a suit. He’s hot, Wanda, if my supersonic eyesight’s in working order. Oh, and I’m betting a year supply of Bobbie-Sue blush, you liiiiike him. That’s why you want to know about him. So you were full of shit when you told us otherwise, and I hate to say I knew it, but I knew it. In fact, I told Marty on the way over here that that was why you wanted to find out more about him.We just wanted you to admit it—get it out in the open—feel comfortable about owning your, what the hell did you call that, Marty?”

  Marty clucked her tongue. “Her womanly desires.”

  “Yeah, that was it. We’re all about our womanly bullshit. We want you to be, too.”

  Wanda’s breathing paused for a moment, stopped by the sight of Heath, heartbreakingly, unconventionally gorgeous. She closed her eyes and forced herself to slow her heartbeat. She ignored comments about womanly desires and comfort. “How’d you know it was him?” she asked Nina.

  “The blue suit. You said he always wears a navy blue suit in one of our conversations this past week, and he’s all you’ve talked about since you met him. It didn’t take a degree in rocket science. Plus, and I don’t want to be remiss in adding, he’s fucktacular. If it wasn’t for Greg, I’d definitely tap that shit.”

  Wanda could only nod. She was guilty of thinking the same thing. All day. All night.

  Marty whistled softly, blowing the hair that peeked out of Wanda’s knit cap against her face. “Wow. He’s really cute in a way I never thought I’d find cute. There’s nothing pretty about him, huh, Wanda? He’s kinda all—”

  “Man,” Wanda finished on a sigh. “Yeah, that’s what I think, too, and it’s why I don’t get what his deal is. He’s such a guy, well, minus the burping and leaving the toilet seat up, and he’s selling makeup. There’s not a feminine bone in his body—not that that would necessarily mean anything, but still . . . and he’s got an answer for everyyything.Yet, he claims he just needed a job, but that still makes no sense to me. Wouldn’t you think a guy who dresses like that and hangs around another guy who dresses equally as well would have like an Ivy League education—or at least something more manly he wants to do for work? But I’m telling you, he sold those starter kits at the Miss TransAmerica contest like he was giving free prosthetics to the limbless, and that was only after he came to my in-home party and wowed every woman who attended. It was incredible.”

  “The Miss Trans who contest?” Nina asked.

  “Miss TransAmerica,” Wanda corrected. “And here’s the rub. He was smart enough to consider all those men who were competing would want makeup with some serious, long-lasting coverage, and that their friends might want some, too. Balk all you like about Bobbie-Sue, Nina, but you can’t deny their foundation is awesome. I mean, seriously, Marty, did it ever occur to you when you sold Bobbie-Sue to contemplate trying to sell makeup to transvestites? It’s a whole untapped market. Even you, in all your creative glory, never thought something like that up.”

  “So another question,” Nina poked her arm.

  Wanda sighed, blowing a chilly breath out of her mouth. “Knock yourself out.”

  “Is that Yugo he’s running a hand over like it’s his lover his car?”

  Wanda peered more closely. Nooooooo—he didn’t. Oh, but he had, in all its feminine protection glory. “Uh, yeah. I think so.”

  “Is it me, or am I the only one who finds those wings a lot on the eyes. Why would he do that?”

  Marty shrugged. “Money? He is out of a job, Nina. I’ve read about this type of advertising. It’s called wrapping or something. I’d bet advertising that pays some pretty good cash.”

  Wanda had nothing to offer. He’d been so broke he’d wrapped his car? In a freakin’ feminine protection product?

  “Okay, last question,” Nina said to Wanda.

  “By all means,” she responded.

  “Why not just ask the guy what his deal is? I don’t get the problem.”

  No, Nina wouldn’t get the problem because her direct nature wouldn’t let her. She’d just beat it out of him. “Because
he seems to clam up whenever I ask him anything personal, yet he has no problem asking me all sorts of stuff.”

  “Oh! Look, they’re going up the stairs.” Marty jabbed at Wanda’s arm.

  Nina’s brow furrowed. “What the hell is this place anyway? And why is there a line of people as long as a supermodel’s legs outside of it?”

  Wanda grabbed their hands, pulling them out into the open, once Heath and his friend had gone inside. “I don’t know, but I say we find out.”

  Wanda’s footsteps came to a sudden, abrupt halt when she had a clearer view of the tall brick building.

  Nina linked her arm with Wanda’s. “Uh, you readin’ what I’m readin’, Wanda?”

  She gulped, shoving her free hand into the jacket of her coat. “Uh-huh.”

  “Well, hell,” Marty muttered, slipping her hand through Wanda’s other arm.

  Hell indeed. So here was the question thrumming through her brain.

  How in the frig did a classy guy like Heath Jefferson end up in Atman’s Homeless Shelter for Men?

  CHAPTER 9

  Wanda threaded her way through the rows of flimsy cots. How she’d slipped past Attila the homeless shelter coordinator had been an act of God. And Nina and Marty’s help in distracting her.

  Her nose filled with the smell of antiseptic cleansers that did little or nothing to cover the scent of men who, sadly, spent a good portion of the day on the streets without the benefit of a place to wash their laundry, or even their hands.

  Suspicious eyes cast their glances her way, some even moved protectively toward the shopping carts that contained their possessions.

  Wanda scanned the room, spotting Heath, who stood out with his tailored suit in the sea of men in tattered clothing. She sauntered up behind him, lingering before she said anything.