The Accidental Troll Read online

  Nina cackled again, low and husky just like her voice, as she yanked her hoodie up over her head and rocked back on her heels.

  Wanda turned to look at Nina, her eyes flashing. “Nina! Oh, you didn’t! How many times have I told you, it is positively unacceptable for you to torture potential clients by treating them as though they’re your puppets! It’s cruel!”

  “The hell it is, Wanda,” Nina groused, knocking Marty’s shoulder with hers. “It’s goddamn funny. Did you see whatever the fuck that is behind her, doing the Wobble? Did you see her big-ass head bobbing and her little square feet shuffling the fuck around? C’mon. Does that shit get any funnier?” She shook her gorgeous head and grinned quite devilishly. “I don’t think it does.”

  Murphy didn’t fully understand what was going on, but her instinct to protect Nova kicked into high gear.

  Shoving her sister behind her as the women approached, she used the flap of her overly large trench coat to cover Nova—which, due to her recent downsizing—was an easy task.

  “Is this some kind of joke? Do you find this funny?” she grated out, using her best authoritarian voice.

  “Fuck yeah, I do,” Nina growled with a roll of her neck. “You did see whatever the hell that is behind you doing the Wobble, didn’t you? And you, flapping your arms around like you were trying to take flight, hollering ca-caw. Ca-caw? I stand by my words. Hell yeah, that shit’s funny.”

  “Nina!” Wanda said with a hiss of clear exasperation as she tugged on a long lock of Nina’s hair. “Knock it off and stop antagonizing. It’s cruel.”

  “But the fuck it isn’t true,” Nina replied with a pop of her lips in disapproval.

  Marty pushed Nina out of the way with a frown and focused on Murphy. She held out her hand, her blue eyes warm and welcoming and much different than the devilish amusement in Nina’s.

  “Forgive my colleague’s poor behavior. I’m Marty Flaherty. One part of OOPS. You must have called our toll-free number. What’s your name?”

  Murphy tucked her frigid hands inside the sleeves of her coat and took a step back. “I told someone when I called what my name is.”

  Nina gave Marty a nudge. “Yeah, it’s… Shit, I can’t remember. I do remember she was carrying on about her sister and how she looks like a fairytale version of something that lives under a bridge. She sure as fuck wasn’t lying about that.”

  Now Nova gasped and tugged on the edge of Murphy’s coat. “You said that, Murphy?”

  “Aw, c’mon, Nova! Gimme a break,” Murphy hissed. Now wasn’t the time to praise her sister’s exceptional beauty. “You know it’s true. Let’s not lie to each other at this stage of the game. You saw what you looked like in the mirror the same way I did. You don’t exactly rival Gigi Hadid today.”

  Nina bounced her head in agreement, her lustrous hair falling down her back. “Uh-huh. She said that on the phone, too.”

  Murphy blinked and inhaled, her fear threatening to swallow her whole. “It’s true. I did say that. To a Nina Blackman. Her name was Nina Blackman. That’s you?” She pointed to the brunette for affirmation.

  Nina snapped her teeth together as she leered down at Murphy. “Yeah. That’s me,” she snarled, as though Murphy had called her mother a foul name. “And?”

  Wanda parted the two women, pushing them behind her, and gazed at Murphy, her eyes soft and gentle under the glow of the decorative lanterns lining the long, cobblestone driveway.

  “Hello. I’m Wanda Jefferson, and you’re obviously terrified. I understand that completely. I mean, who wouldn’t be terrified when this brute of an excuse for a person is leering down at you?” She placed a hand at her throat. “I’d be terrified, too. But I promise you don’t have to be. If you’ll come inside and let us help you and…and your sister, is it? We can help.”

  Marty peeked over Wanda’s shoulder. “We can. I promise you. Listen, Murphy. Come inside. It’s cold. We can make you a cup of tea and talk about this while you warm up, okay?”

  Murphy assessed them again with a skeptical eye.

  So, Murphy Umanski, what are your choices here? Leave your sister looking like something that hangs from the rearview mirror of a car—ooor take a chance these people won’t out you to the tabs and go inside the big, daunting castle that looks like it has a torture chamber in the dusty basement with one of those racks that stretches your body and a bunch of jars with organs and eyeballs floating around in formaldehyde?

  Her knees shook at her dark thoughts, but she couldn’t seem to get them to stop. What if these women were ax-murderers or serial killers? Like a clan of them, and this whole paranormal support group was just a cover?

  At all costs, she had to protect Nova.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” Marty said softly, tucking her hair behind her ears. “You’re wondering if we’re a cult of female serial killers.” She flapped a hand as though to dismiss the notion as silly. “Ask yourself this, Murphy, if we wanted victims, would the wisest way to collect them be to claim we can help with a paranormal accident? How many people are going to show up for that? I mean, if we were going to kill people for sport, we’d probably go to a bar and pick people up—or maybe a shopping mall. We love to shop.”

  “The fuck we do. You two do,” Nina growled, driving her hands into the pockets of her hoodie. “I love to opt out of that bullshit.”

  Marty flicked her fingers at Nina and made a face. “Shut up, jabberjaw. The point is, it’s not exactly a lucrative way to catch some flies, if you get my drift.”

  Murphy gave that some thought and decided it was fair. So point for the pretty blonde lady. But then there was the scary brunette lady, who looked like she wasn’t above a ruse of that nature, just to see if she could pull it off.

  Not to mention, she probably only had to crook her finger in her victim’s direction and they’d come running to buy whatever she was selling because she was so incredibly stunning.

  Murphy was highly aware of what your looks could get you. Nova’d taught her that lesson over and over.

  “Murphy?” Wanda repeated with a soft voice and a cock of her head in question.

  Nova shivered behind her every time one of the women spoke, and it made Murphy anxious.

  Gripping Nova’s body tighter to her own, Murphy exhaled a breath of tension. “Listen, you know we’re desperate. You probably can smell it on us from there—”

  “If you only knew,” Nina said on a snicker.

  But Murphy ignored her. “How do I know this isn’t some game you’re playing to get us inside your house of tortures? How do I know this isn’t some elaborate prank to wheedle money out of us?”

  Wanda tut-tut the notion, crossing her arms over her chest. “We’re nonprofit, Murphy. We don’t need your money. This is Nina’s castle, by the way. Do people who own castles need money?”

  “How do I know it’s really Nina’s castle? Google says it’s Greg somebody’s castle.”

  “Greg is Mouthy McMouth’s husband,” Marty reassured her.

  “Oh, for the love of Jesus and a damn hot air balloon. Let the bitch stay out here in the cold with her crazy mini-friend and let’s go the fuck back in. I’m not proving shit to this kid. Besides, don’t we still have like three episodes left of that bullshit 90 Day Fiancé? How the fuck will I ever sleep if I don’t know what happens with Darcey and fake James Bond?”

  Murphy licked her lips. Either this was one hell of a scam or they were telling the truth.

  Nova yanked on her arm again and whined in her tinny voice. “Murphy! Stop turning this into an interrogation. They’re the only people who even remotely mention something like what’s happened to me. They haven’t run off screaming into the night at the sight of me, either, so they must be pretty tough. We have to trust someone. It might as well be them.”

  “People trusted Charlie Manson, too, Nova,” she said from clenched teeth.

  “Who?”

  Murphy rolled her eyes at her sister’s lack of knowledge when it came to
anything beyond her world of clothes and makeup. But Nova was right, they hadn’t run away screaming when they saw what Nova looked like.

  “Never mind. Look, what if we get in there and they gang up on us? You’re the size of… Well, let’s just say, you’re not exactly the Amazon you were this afternoon. I’m only one person, Nova. I can’t protect us if it’s three against one.”

  Nina moved in, so close and so quick, Murphy held her breath as she got a closeup view of exactly how perfect this woman and her flawless skin were.

  Then she leaned forward and jeered at her. “I’m here to tell ya, you couldn’t protect yourself if you had the whole fucking NFL with you.”

  Murphy’s eyes went wide, her gulp loud and thick as she attempted to back away from this tall, pale, scary female, and held up a hand seconds before Marty grabbed her friend’s shoulder.

  “Back off, Elvira! Let the poor child breathe and stop being so confrontational.”

  Nina did back off, but she scoffed. “I’m not gonna beg her to come inside, Marty. Jesus. I have better shit to do than fuck around like this. It’s after GD midnight. I’ve spent all damn day with you flippy-dippy broads, and I’m in no mood for the usual bullshit we have to go through to get people who call us for help to fucking believe we actually want to help while they look at us with wide-eyed disbelief. I’m not some feckin’ hand-holding babysitter.”

  Wanda’s sigh was loud and grating to Murphy’s ears. And she looked thoroughly annoyed. But to her credit, she didn’t have a hair out of place. She was perfect and regal—even while annoyed. She placed a hand on Nina’s shoulder, clearly in an effort to calm this very cagey woman down.

  “I receive what you’re saying, Nina. Thank you for sharing.”

  Nina knocked her hand off her shoulder with an angry flick of her wrist. “Get the fuck off me, Wanda, and stop pulling the therapy card. I know January said this was how we’re supposed to communicate, with flakey catchphrases and all this dopey understanding, but Doc January can suck it. Swearing and yelling are what I do. That’s how I communicate. So you can suck it, too.”

  Wanda clucked her tongue and arched one well-groomed eyebrow as she planted her hands on her hips. “That didn’t at all sound like, ‘Thank you for hearing me, Wanda,’ now did it?”

  This Wanda didn’t appear at all fearful of Nina—neither did Marty, for that matter, which meant she could be contained. There was a buffer between them Murphy could turn to if needed.

  Unless it was all an act. Then they were screwed.

  “Murphy?” Marty asked quite suddenly as she studied her with a thoughtful gaze. “Question?”

  Murphy licked her dry lips. “Okay…”

  “How’s your heart? You look, what, maybe all of twenty-five?”

  Her heart? Well, aside from the fact that it was going to thump its way out of her chest, it felt like it was in working order.

  “I’m thirty, but thank you. And my heart is fine. I mean, I think it’s fine.”

  Yeah, it was fine. That’s what Dr. Mullen had said. She was healthy as a horse, and so was Nova, if a bit on the thin side. Nova, that is. Not her. Obviously not her.

  Marty cocked her head to the side and looked her up and down. “Blood pressure? How’s that?”

  “Um, I just had a physical last month and it was one-ten over sixty-five. Solid as a rock.”

  “How’s your fucking bladder?” Nina asked.

  Murphy blinked, her eyes grainy with exhaustion. “My…my what?”

  Marty stepped in front of her friend, the glow of the porch light making her blonde hair look almost like an angelic halo. “Forget Nina. And pay attention to what I’m about to tell you.”

  “O…okay,” she responded, her hands suddenly clammy and icier than ever as she clung to Nova.

  “Okay, so listen, Murphy,” Marty said as she smiled her warm smile and spoke in her soft, dulcet tones. “You’re in for a lot of surprises tonight. Some as big as whatever’s happened to your sister. I can see you doubt we can help you…but there isn’t any way to prove we really can help other than to scare you half to death. If proof is what you want, I’d gird your loins.”

  “I don’t think this is a good idea, Marty…” Wanda warned.

  Marty pressed her hands against her svelte hips, making her bracelets jangle. “Well, we have to do something for the sake of time. It’s either now or later. I say we rip the Band-Aid off now and save ourselves a whole lot of explaining later.”

  Nina rubbed her hands together and cracked her knuckles. “For once, I agree with my favorite imitation blonde. Let’s rip the Band-Aid right the fuck off.”

  Now Murphy was almost in a panic. Her heart crashed against her ribs and her mouth went so dry, her teeth stuck to her lips.

  Wanda did a deep knee bend and then a couple of quick squats. “Okay. If you’re sure.”

  Marty winked. “I’m sure.”

  That was exactly what she said before she let her head fall back on her shoulders, opened her mouth wide, and roared with enough force to blow Murphy’s hair back from her face.

  And Nina climbed up the side of her castle like some supermodel Spiderman.

  And Wanda, well, she very calmly, and with Marie Kondo ninja-like organization, took her clothes off and folded them neatly, placing them on a big rocking chair on the porch.

  Before she promptly turned into a dog.

  Chapter 3

  “Shut the fuck up, for shit’s sake!” Nina hissed at Nova, flashing her pointy teeth, making Murphy cringe in terror.

  But even Nina and her scary face and wall climbing couldn’t shut Nova up. She screamed so long and so loud with her new high-pitched, straight-out-of-Whoville voice, Murphy was prepared to put her hand over her sister’s mouth to quiet her just so they wouldn’t be seen.

  But Nina saved her the trouble. She snatched Nova up by the back of her weird-looking outfit, an outfit that had come almost as an accessory with this bizarre event, and hauled her toward the front door.

  “Shut up or you’re gonna wake the damn dead!” Nina yelled at her. But then she stopped short as though she’d made an important discovery. Using a mere three fingers, she held Nova up in front of her, glaring, letting her dangle helplessly all the while. “Forget I said that shit. I’m already awake.”

  And then she snickered, which made Nova kick her little feet and howl even louder.

  Already awake? Murphy pondered those words, and then she nodded to herself.

  Vampire—dead—awake. Hah! The walking dead lady had jokes.

  Marty was in the process of smoothing her hair back into place while looking at her reflection in the sidelights beside the imposing front door, pausing long enough to frown at Nina in disapproval.

  “Nina! Stop frightening the poor child and making stupid vampire references. Take her inside now before she wakes every single human from here to Glasgow!”

  Wanda, who’d put her clothes back on by now, pointed to Murphy with a stern glance. “You. Inside, please. We don’t need a scene.”

  For some strange reason, Murphy didn’t want to displease this beautiful creature, and that made absolutely no sense. But as she glanced at Wanda, she couldn’t deny the feeling.

  Besides, Nina had already dragged Nova inside, so Murphy didn’t have much of a choice but to follow.

  Or do you have a choice, Murph?

  You could run away right now. Run away from the soul-sucking job you do every day for your sister and go someplace where there aren’t endless selfies and shallow celebrities.

  A place where Nova isn’t standing over your shoulder, demanding a daily count of subscribers and likes to her Insta page. A place where every single second of every stupid day isn’t devoted to getting the best shot of Nova, eating, drinking, wearing a new pair of underwear.

  You could just turn right around and hightail it the hell out of Dodge.

  You could…

  And then Murphy gulped and swallowed hard. She hadn’t left college after he
r parents died to take care of her sister, only to up and leave her now in her darkest hour.

  Even if she looked like one of those good-luck charms at a game of bingo. She was here till the bitter end, just like always.

  Sighing, hating herself for ever considering leaving Nova to her own devices, no matter how briefly, and wracked with guilt, Murphy followed the women and a loudly protesting Nova into the Castle of Doom, where surely their death by sacrifice on a Satanic altar in the center of a pentagram was in the offing.

  Gosh. She hoped they didn’t need a virgin for it.

  Because they were going to be very disappointed.

  Wowzers. This place wasn’t at all what Murphy had been expecting. She’d expected dark colors and ugly brocade curtains and imposing furniture made out of heavy walnut-stained wood and pointy swords hanging on the walls.

  You know, like the Iron Throne on GoT.

  Instead, she got something else entirely.

  Her eyes must have widened when they entered the dungeon, because this white and beige, airy, and relaxed décor with a soothing waterfall wall, plump white furniture and flat-screen TV the size of a football field had not been what she’d expected.

  Likely, it hadn’t been what Nova expected either, because she quite suddenly shut up, her mouth sagging open as she still dangled from Nina’s grip.

  It looked like they’d landed in a beach house in Malibu instead of a castle on Long Island.

  “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Marty commented as she leaned into Murphy with a smile and nudged her shoulder with a gentle shove.

  “Yeah,” Murphy murmured. “I would never have…”

  “Expected it? Believe me, it took some talking her into it before she was willing to give up the dark reds and ugly paneling, because in her words, ‘Whose castle looks like a fucking Barbie Townhouse?’ but then we reminded her Cinderella has a castle, too, and it doesn’t feature chain mail and swords hanging on the walls, and she caved. My niece Charlie, Nina’s daughter, is a big fan of Cinderella.”