Accidentally Dead Read online

  Yesterday.

  Hell’s bells.

  She needed to move fast, and these new ailments cropping up left and right weren’t helping her.

  Now to find those files.

  “I got ’em.” Nina nearly fell into the front seat of the car, holding a piece of paper with the fanged-one’s address on it. She’d been lucky that Belinda still had his file in the insurance claim bin. He’d been easy enough to locate. He was the only chipped tooth the day before yesterday. With a slump, she let her body rest against the door.

  Wanda put the car in drive and lurched out of the parking lot, sending Nina a look of concern. “God, that felt like forever. Did Belinda give you any trouble?”

  “Belinda is trouble, period, but I fixed her.”

  “Did black eyes ensue, Sugar Ray?” Marty quipped from the backseat.

  Nina ignored her. “His name is Gregori Statleon. I told you he had some crazy ethnic name, and he lives on the Island.”

  “Staten or Long?” Wanda asked.

  “Long.” Nina rambled off the address to Wanda.

  “Ohhhh, and I like his name. Very alpha. It isn’t at all like the names of the vampires I’ve been reading in those books. They have names like Dimitri, Declan, and Lucien.”

  Nina cupped her hands over her eyes, rolling her palms over her forehead. “Well, it definitely isn’t John Smith. So get me home, and I’ll take the train or something out there. I need to straighten this shit out before my head explodes.”

  “Do you think aspirin would help?” Wanda handed Nina her purse. “I have some in there. God knows I need it when I’m with you two on absolutely no sleep.”

  “No aspirin. I tried to take some before we left my place, and I think I hacked it up whole. Nothing is staying in my stomach.”

  Wanda patted her arm. “Well, you’re not taking the train. We’re going with you.”

  Nina shook her head with an emphatic no at Wanda. “No, you’re not.”

  “Are.”

  “Not.”

  “Are,” Marty finally spoke from the backseat.

  Nina’s voice took on a calm she didn’t think she had in her today. “You are not. I can’t let you guys get involved. What if all that crazy website shit is true? The vampires will rule the world website? What if this guy bit me on purpose so he could add me to his list of conquests? What if he wants to turn Wanda into a vampire? What if he bites you, Marty? What the fuck will you be then? A were-vamp? A vamp-were? If you think you had trouble getting those crazy dogs in Keegan’s pack to accept you before, just imagine what it’d be like to add vampire to your list of whack-job issues.” She shook her head, then winced. The mere act of moving but a millimeter was agonizing.

  “They like me just fine now, thank you very much, and if I have to tell you one more time, I am not, I repeat, not a dog—I swear, Nina, I’m going to choke the life out of you!”

  Wanda rolled her tongue over her lips, popping them. A sure sign it meant she was pissed. “Nina, lay off the dog references this instant. Marty, before you open that mouth to protest your AKC non-status one more time, shut up. Nina’s due a little leeway here. She’s a vampire. Or at least we think she is. Whatever the case is, the two of you will knock it off now, or I’ll stop this car. Don’t make me stop this car. Got it?”

  Nina lowered the sunglasses again and glared over her shoulder at Marty, but she kept her mouth shut.

  Wanda pinched the bridge of her nose. “Now, technically speaking, I think if what I’ve been reading in those paranormal romances lately is true, Marty’d be a were-vamp. Because she was a werewolf before she was a vampire. Therefore, her wolfie side takes precedence,” Wanda offered, in her typically helpful fashion. “God, imagine that, Marty. You’d be like crazy scary, huh?”

  Marty’s giggle tinkled in the small interior of the car.

  Nina clenched her jaw, ignoring the rub of her new incisors against her bottom teeth. “Wanda?”

  “What?”

  “Shut up and drive me home.”

  She shook her pretty dark head, turning onto the highway and away from the general direction of Nina’s apartment. “Nope.”

  Marty poked her again from behind. “Nina?”

  “What, Marty?”

  “We’re going. I’m not afraid of some vampire. I’m a force to be reckoned with, and if anything happened to me, Keegan and the pack would be up this guy’s ass so far, he’d be able to brush his teeth with angry werewolves. So knock it off. If push comes to shove, I’ll shift and have his little bat wings for lunch. I’m more afraid of what he’ll do if he’s angry.”

  Nina was aghast. “Why the fuck should he be angry? He bit me, for Christ’s sake.” Oh, God. If that dude with the ice pick behind her eyeballs didn’t stop poking her, she was going to scream.

  “How do we know if he’s a friendly vampire, Nina? Maybe he’s all dark and scary. You know, like the vampires who don’t want to be vampires. They just want a stake through their hearts. They wander around all angst ridden, bemoaning their eternal fate, lashing out at the nearest innocent victim.”

  “Oh! I love those kinds of vampires,” Wanda squealed. “I was just reading about one the other night, and he despises being a vampire. Wait, lemme think of the title…” She paused, gnawing the inside of her cheek. “My Beloved Immortal. Or was it My Immortal Beloved—or My Dear Beloved Immortal? Shoot, I can’t remember. Anyway, he hated being a vampire—until he found the girl of his dreams, of course. Then you know, HEA.” Her grin was almost secretive.

  Nina fought for control, clutching the armrest between them to keep from socking Wanda in her pretty mouth. “H-E who?”

  “H-E-A, silly. Happily ever after. You know, the couple rides off into the sunset and lives happily ever after.” She said it like Nina should know this new world of acronyms Wanda seemed to have found in the pages of some stupid romance novel.

  “I think you should quit reading that lame shit written by people with retarded names like Va Va Lamoure. You’re living in a fantasy if you think this is anything remotely like a romance novel,” she said, pointing at her mouth.

  Wanda clucked her tongue at Nina. “Stop saying the word romance like it’s the equivalent of leprosy. It’s women’s fiction, thank you, and what’s the harm in immersing yourself in a place you wouldn’t normally be able to go?”

  “Look, pay attention. There’s not going to be an H-E-A and what about this”—Nina yanked the scarf that was covering her lips and flashed her ever-growing teeth at Wanda—“is at all happy?”

  Wanda sank back in her seat and shot Nina a sympathetic look. “Okay, so you’re not going to hit the catwalk anytime soon here, but—but—I dunno, we’ll figure it out. Obviously the guy who bit you didn’t have teeth like that, right?”

  Nina shook her head, pulling the scarf back over her mouth. “No. He looked as normal as any other patient.”

  “So that means there’s hope.”

  Nina slouched against the door, so weary she could curl up in a nest of snakes and sleep without a qualm. “Know what else I don’t get? His appointment was early afternoon. If he’s a vampire, how can he tolerate the sunlight, when I feel like raw hamburger meat just waiting to sizzle? I don’t get it. But it had to be him, right? I mean, he drew blood—infected me with his battiness or whatever. But what if we’re wrong? Fuck. What kind of dumb asses will we look like if we show up and accuse this guy of being a vampire and he isn’t one at all?”

  Marty stirred from the backseat. “Believe it or not, I’m actually going to agree with you, Nina. He had to be the one responsible for this. I would have never believed it if not for Keegan biting me, and, well, the Internet did say that’s how you become a vampire. A bite. Unless you’ve been bitten recently by someone other than this Gregori guy? Been in any barroom brawls lately? Maybe a little girl-on-girl Jell-O wrestling?”

  Nina whipped around, sticking her gloved hand through the gap between the headrest and the seat, grabbing at a startled Marty. “
C’mere, you German Shepherd. I’ll give you a little girl-on-girl—”

  Wanda snaked a hand out, yanking the collar of Nina’s coat and shoving her back into her seat, shooting her a look so fierce, it stopped Nina cold. “No hands! There will be no hands, miss. Use your words and try some nice ones for a change.” She shook off her anger and said, “Okay, so yeah, this guy is probably our perp. I guess we’ll just have to be careful. Although I have no clue how in Heaven’s name we’re going to figure out if he’s a vampire unless we ask. If he doesn’t have visible fangs, asking might be the only way to find out.”

  Nina’s head clanged like one of those windup monkeys with the cymbals was traipsing around in her head. “Do we even know where we’re going, Wanda?”

  “I have a fairly good idea. I have a couple of clients out here sort of by proxy. I can tell you, if where he lives is the spot I’m thinking of, it’s pretty exclusive. And there’s something else to consider. If he lives on the Island, why would he go all the way to Hackensack to see a dentist? Seems like a pretty long trip.”

  While Wanda and Marty pondered that, Nina leaned her head against the cool glass of the window and tried to block out their chatter. As it became a muted jumble of jabber, her eyes grew heavier and heavier. Maybe a nap would relieve this friggin’ headache.

  THE next thing she was aware of was Wanda shaking her. “Nina. Wake up now. We’re…um, we’re here.”

  Nina felt sluggish and so drowsy, parting her eyelids was like trying to play Moses and part the Red Sea. “Gimme a sec. I feel like I’ve been drugged.”

  “Just wait until you open your eyes.” Marty’s voice sounded hesitant to her ears.

  Nina stuck two fingers under the glasses and pried one eye open.

  Okay, yeah. Drugs had to be involved here ’cause there was no way she was seeing what she thought she was seeing. She let her eyelid go and closed it again. Tight.

  Wanda popped up the sunglasses she wore, propping them on her forehead. “Open your eyes, Nina.”

  “Um, no,” she muttered. “Not going there.”

  “If you want to figure this out, you’re going.” Wanda’s lips were surely moving. She heard the words she spoke, but Nina couldn’t focus. Wanda took matters into her own hands and used her fingers to hold Nina’s eyes open, leaning over her lap and to the right so she could see what they’d apparently already witnessed.

  Good gravy.

  No, this was much better with her eyes closed. Slapping at Wanda’s hands, she slammed her eyes shut again.

  “Did you see what I saw, Nina?” Wanda prodded.

  No. No fucking way. “No, but I smelled your breath. You should lay off the spicy chicken wings at Woo’s. Isn’t that bad for your thighs or something?”

  “Did you hear that, Marty? She can tell what I had for dinner yesterday, and I’ve brushed my teeth three times since then. The Internet said vampires are very sensitive to smell. Hoo, boy do we have trouble. Now stop being a sissy and open your eyes, Nina, so we can figure this out. I know you saw what we saw.”

  “It’s impossible,” Nina said without emotion, her eyes still closed.

  “Does that turret made of stone look impossible to you? In fact, there isn’t just one turret, but three. And let’s not find ourselves remiss in mentioning the little moat over near the hedge maze.”

  “Funny, I didn’t see a moat.” Nina shrugged her shoulders, dismissing the notion.

  “Yes you did, and you saw the drawbridge, too. It’s a castle, Nina. A big castle like out of some scary-tale. Right here in Long Island. Who knew? Now stop hiding from the inevitable and open your eyes.”

  She really, really didn’t want to do that.

  “Um, hey, Snaggletooth,” Marty chimed from the backseat. “If you hope to get rid of those teeth—which surely will hinder any future dating endeavors—I’d open your eyes.”

  Nina leaned forward, holding her stomach. That gnawing ache was back again. Okay, it was time to take it like a man. So he had a castle. Lots of people had castles.

  Or not.

  At least not privately owned in fucking Long Island.

  Dude was definitely livin’ large.

  Summoning the last of her reserved energy, Nina sat back up and popped her eyes open. Sho’ ’nuff, there was no denying it was a castle. Its structure, made of stone, reached skyward in all its ominous, dark gray glory. Cast-iron gates surrounded the entire exterior, behind them winding pathways leading to various portions of the grounds. Though it was winter, each bush and shrub was neatly trimmed, and the grass didn’t look nearly as brown and dead as some of his neighbors’ lawns did.

  “This has to be some kind of joke,” Nina muttered out of the side of her mouth.

  The set to Wanda’s lips was stern. “Oh, I don’t think so. I think this is very serious, and I think we need to investigate, like now.”

  “Tell me something, Wanda?”

  “Anything, Nina.” She smiled all angelic-like.

  “When the fuck did you get a backbone?”

  Wanda snorted and popped open her door. “When I met you two. Now let’s go.”

  With great reluctance, Nina opened her door, holding the seat forward for Marty, so she could get out, too. Folding her arms over her chest, she looked at them both. “Now what?”

  Wanda linked arms with her, ushering her forward. “Now we make nice. You know, knock on the door and say, ‘Hello. My name is Nina Blackman, and I do believe we’ve met via some goofy gas and a suctioning tool.’” Wanda tugged her toward the tall gates.

  “Those gates look locked. Maybe we’ll have to come back…” She was stalling because if this guy wasn’t what she thought he was, they were going to end up in the pokey.

  Marty skipped ahead of them and used a finger to jar the gate open. Her shoulders lifted, and she smiled. “Easy. One hurdle down—one more to go.” She pointed her perfect, red-tipped nail toward the ominous front door.

  Wanda pulled her toward the double doors, large, black, and made of heavy steel.

  “Wait.” Nina dug her heels into the winding pathway flanked with shorter boxwood hedges that led to the front door. “You guys wait in those bushes by the landing. This way, if something goes wrong you can call for help. So keep your cell phones handy.”

  Marty took Wanda’s hand and scurried along the edge of the decorative cement, pulling her into the tall set of arborvitaes by the front door. “Okay. We’re in position.” She gave Nina a thumbs-up.

  Nina sauntered up to the door like she owned the joint, but her legs were like jelly. For all her bravado, for all her big-mouthed, ass-kicking smack talk, she was scared witless. This was the craziest bullshit going. She had absolutely no clue what to do next, but if Marty could survive the transformation to werewolf, Nina Blackman could be a vampire.

  Temporarily.

  If that’s what these fangs meant, anyway.

  The arborvitaes rustled, then Marty stuck her nose through them. “Knock on the damned door, Nina,” she urged, her lips thinning into a line of disapproval.

  “Okay, okay. I’m knocking.” With nothing left to do but keep her tough facade in place in front of the two people who lovingly called her “bully,” she knocked.

  All right, so it was more like a light tap, but maybe he was sleeping or something, and if she pissed him off, God only knew what he’d do.

  Wanda’s whisper was clearly hushed and annoyed. “Oh, Nina, that was pathetic! Put some gumption into it. Even the Bionic Woman couldn’t have heard that.”

  Sucking in her cheeks, Nina gave the door a sharper rap, just as the breeze began to pick up and that sun that had fried her ass earlier skittered away behind a cloud. The sky grew darker with the kind of gray that threatened snow. The chill wind she could no longer seem to feel brought with it a scent Nina found teased her nostrils with an odd blend of man.

  Still, no one answered the door.

  But she knew, as sure as she knew she was going to pass out if she didn’t find a place
to sit down, he was behind that door. She smelled him, almost heard the rustle of his hand jamming into the pocket of his pants. She smelled him as succinctly as she had Mrs. Fedderman’s Chihuahua Freddy.

  Was he hiding from her? Fucktard coward.

  Wanda was clearly growing impatient with her. Her head popped back out from the greenery. Her eyes, now glaring in Nina’s direction, had dark circles around them, and in the sudden gloom, they made her look more tired. “Knock again, Nina! God, what is wrong with you? Do you want to keep those teeth forever? And we’re cold. Some of us don’t have special vampire powers to keep us warm. Now hurry it up!”

  If there was ever a time to use the balls she was always claiming she should have been born with, now would be it. All right, enough stalling. He had to be the guy who did this, and the fuck she’d not take him to task for it.

  With a firm fist, Nina used the side of it to pound on the door. The very effort left her drained. She pressed a cheek to the cold steel door and said, “Um, Mr. Vampire?” Weak, that was very weak, Nina Blackman. Not at all like you. Whassamatter? Is the psycho in you taking a temporary sabbatical? God, she was so not herself.

  “Mr. Vampire.” Marty cackled with a high-pitched keen.

  Nina flicked at the bushes, her anger flaring. “Shut up, Marty, or I’ll beat the shit out of you.”

  Wanda caught her hand and poked it. “Nina! Focus and forget Marty.”

  Focus. Yeah, that’d be great if the call of some much-needed sleep didn’t keep getting in the way. Shit, she had to get a grip. With an irritated shove, she pushed up the sleeves of her heavy trench coat and pounded on the door again. All she wanted to do was be changed back to a human and go home and sleep. Christ and a sidecar, she needed to sleep.

  She’d deal with the Belinda-nator and the possibility she might have to consider decorating the interior of a cardboard box and call it home once she could think clearly again.

  Trying to take a deep breath—one that came out as nothing more than a dry heave—she mentally sought the last bit of energy in her. Rolling her head on her neck, she focused on being as intimidating as she could.