The Accidental Unicorn Read online

  Alice’s hand went directly to her throat in a clutching-her-pearls gesture. “I don’t know what you mean, Vincenza. What exactly are you accusing me of?”

  Vinnie planted her hands on her hips and made a face. “Oh, no. Nonononono! You don’t get to do that, Mother! Don’t you dare turn the tables on me, you meddler. You did this to Oliver. I know you did. I know it, but you don’t have to admit it. Let me retrace your steps from the last couple of days. But first, let’s start with when you met Oliver, then hold tight and prepare for your dressing down.”

  Nina’s hand went up instantly as she wrapped an arm around Alice’s trembling shoulders. “Hey, this is your fucking mother, Teacher. I get she probably has some shit to do with this, but she doesn’t smell like somebody who does shit with malice. So relax, or I’m gonna fuck you up.”

  But Vinnie waved her off. She wasn’t afraid of Nina. But Nina should be very afraid of her mother. “Oliver? How long have you known Alice Marie Costas?”

  He looked at her, his handsome face blank. “Um, a couple of months, I think. Is that right, Alice?”

  Alice licked her lips, her eyes darting around the square. “Give or take,” she conceded.

  Vinnie’s eyes narrowed. “And that’s probably how long you’ve been hatching this plan, right? You spent some time with him, you played the cute little old lady, you had a few lunches where you half paid attention to his suggestions for this senior development, all while you were investigating him, right?”

  Alice gave her an affronted look and harrumphed. “I beg your pardon? I don’t half pay attention to anything where the seniors are concerned, young lady! I know everything that’s going into this development right down to which light switch covers were chosen. I take my job very seriously.”

  Vinnie rolled her tongue along the inside of her cheek and nodded. “Uh-huh. I just bet you did. If there’s anything you’re good at, it’s the details, isn’t it? You’re also good at worming your way into any situation by playing sweet little old lady, and then shablam!”

  Oliver, who’d stood rooted to the spot as papers flew around his big, yummy body and clouds rolled overhead, cupped his chin and rubbed the stubble growing there. “I don’t understand where you’re going, Vinnie. Your mother’s been nothing but great during this whole process. If not for her and her details, I never would have thought to include—”

  “Yeah,” Vinnie drawled, unable to stop herself. “She’s a real peach, aren’t you, Mother? Know what else she is? A meddling monster! Did my mother bring you cookies, or a cake, maybe some pie? Or worse, the unicorn Frapp you talked about?”

  Oliver gave her a blank look but he didn’t respond. Still, she could see the wheels turning in his head.

  “Now, if she didn’t bring you the Frapp,” Vinnie continued, “she still knew you’d drink it even if it is the worst-tasting Frapp in the world, because no one wants to upset cute little old Alice Marie Costas and you wouldn’t dream of insulting her, am I right?”

  Oliver frowned and rocked back on his feet. “Okay, that’s probably true. She is really cute and sweet and I would never insult her, but she didn’t bring me the Frapp, Vinnie. I was stupid enough to try it all on my own. So I’m not sure where you’re going here?”

  Vinnie pursed her lips as she looked up at him. “Ah, but I’d bet my collection of Encyclopedia Britannica you left her alone with it, didn’t you?”

  “You have a collection of Encyclopedia Britannica when there’s Google? It’s two thousand nineteen, Vinnie,” Oliver quipped, his handsome face breaking into a smile.

  “Not the point, Oliver!” she yelped, and then she softened her voice. “And I like real books. I like the way they smell. The way they feel. The way they look on a shelf. But that’s still not the point.”

  “What the fuck is the point?” Nina yelled down at her with a clap of her hands. “Because you’re not making any sense. Stop playing Sherlock Holmes and just tell us what the hell you’re blaming your mother for, because I, for one, ain’t a fan of publicly flaying a bitch…er, I mean, your mother. Get to the end of this lame story.”

  Vinnie waved the angry vampire away again. She wasn’t afraid of Nina when there was an Alice Marie Costas roaming free. “Answer the question, Oliver. Did you leave my mother alone with your drink? Was she in your office at any time, alone with that Frapp? Was she anywhere in the vicinity of the unicorn drink?”

  He paused and gazed off into the distance as if he were thinking, the sharp angles of his face even more handsome in the daylight. “Come to think of it, I guess I did. We had a meeting yesterday to go over some things, and then I had to grab more paperwork from my assistant. So I left her alone for about five minutes.”

  “I knew it!” she shouted, spinning around to face her mother, who did a nice portrayal of a little old lady cowering into Nina. Oscars all ’round for that performance. But Vinnie wasn’t falling for it. “So, Mom, tell me. Did you put something in Oliver’s unicorn Frapp?”

  Her mother gave her a sheepish glance. “What do you mean put something in it? I don’t even know what a unicorn Frapp is, Vincenza.”

  Vinnie grinned in irony and shook her head. “Oh, knock it off. You do so, and had I known Oliver knew you, I would have solved this mess much sooner. Now stop dodging the question and playing at semantics. Did you put something in Oliver’s cup on his desk when he left you alone in his office yesterday?”

  Now she became rather feisty as she rolled her head on her neck, gazing defiantly at her daughter. “No, I did not.”

  Nina glared at her, too, pulling her mother closer to her side. “See? Now back the fuck off. This is your mother, for Christ’s sake.”

  Vinnie lifted her chin and crossed her arms over her chest. Okay. She saw the game, but she knew how to play. “Mother? Did you put a spell of any kind on Oliver’s drink? Or anything he ate in front of you? Or anything he touched? Or his clothes? His aura? His anything, and I do mean anything—and if you value our relationship, you’ll answer me truthfully. Now.”

  “My aura?” Oliver mumbled.

  Her mother began to squirm as she listed all the viable portals acceptable for Alice to place a love spell.

  “Mother?” Vinnie coaxed. “What have you done?”

  Her mother crumbled then. Her face went soft and pliable, her eyes welled with tears. “I was just trying to help, Vincenza! I swear! Oliver’s such a lovely young man and he’s perfect for you. Perfect! I mean, look at how handsome he is, and he’s single. His traitorous girlfriend Denise left him three years ago after she was unfaithful. Who leaves such a nice boy? Who, Vincenza? I tried to tell you about him, but you just wouldn’t listen. You never listen. You’ll be like this forever if someone doesn’t do something. I just want you to be happy, honey!”

  As the wind picked up and the leaves of the surrounding trees began to fall in orange and red drifts of color, Oliver pressed a finger to his mouth as though he were trying not to say something he couldn’t take back.

  And if it was because he was adhering to the age-old adage of respect your elders, Vinnie had to give it to him. His face contorted, his jaw tightened and he ground his teeth, but he didn’t raise his voice.

  When he finally spoke, he was deadly quiet, unnerving not just Vinnie, but her mother, judging by the way she rocked back and forth on her feet. “So what you’re telling me is, you put a spell on my unicorn Frapp, Alice? Am I hearing this right?”

  Alice bit her lip with a grimace before jamming a knuckle between her pearly white teeth, but she nodded, and croaked, “Yes.”

  Vinnie clenched her fists so hard, she surely left half-moon shapes in her palm from her fingernails to keep from screaming.

  But there was no stopping the eruption from her throat.

  “Mother! Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Do you?” she squealed in horror.

  “But—” she began to protest, and Vinnie cut her off with a glare and a shake of her finger.

  “No, Mother. Don’t you
dare. No buts! You’ve really done it this time! Tell me, Alice, does Oliver look like he’s in love?”

  “In love?” Oliver repeated in astonishment. “But we just met this morning. I mean, you seem really nice, but aren’t we putting the cart before the horse?”

  Vinnie popped her lips and nodded her head, trying to ignore the compliment even if it made her stomach jump up and down. “Exactly. Which means what, Mother?”

  Her mother frowned with guilt, twisting her fingers around her colorful scarf. “It didn’t work,” she peeped quietly, and then she made an attempt to defend herself. “I know I said the incantation correctly, Vincenza. I don’t understand what I keep doing wrong.”

  Vinnie gave all of them a See? I’m not crazy look.

  “And why don’t you tell Oliver what you were trying to do and what the outcome should have been?”

  Wrapping her fingers around her long braid, Alice wrinkled her nose. “I…I planned to introduce you to Vincenza, and then you were supposed to fall wildly in love with her and live happily ever after. But… I guess it didn’t work.”

  That’s sort of when Vinnie really lost it.

  Nina could balk all she wanted about her speaking disrespectfully to her mother, but she’d gone through this all her life. Her mother meddled in everything where Vinnie was concerned, and this time? This time she’d gone too far.

  She’d put a man’s life in danger—serious danger; as in, death kind of danger—which was a far cry from making him fall in love with her daughter.

  Vinnie stomped her foot and stuck her face in Alice’s. “That’s right. It didn’t work. It didn’t work—because why?” she taunted. “Because they never, and I do mean never work, Mom! When are you going to learn you can’t meddle in my life without consequences? You need to know your limitations as a, what is it, twenty-fifth-generation Goddess? You stink at spells, Mom. You’ve always stunk at spells, but this time? This time takes the cake. Wait until you see what you’ve done!”

  “Hold up!” Oliver finally yelled into the rustling wind before he took a deep breath. “Let’s just slow this down for the mere mortal in the equation, okay? I don’t understand some of the details. Are you paranormal, too, Alice?”

  Her mother peered up at him with guilt-riddled eyes, her shoulders sagging. “I’m a descendant of Hecate. So yes, mostly I’m considered paranormal, but our powers have been diluted over the years, I suppose. Not all of us, but some of us.”

  “Holy motherfluffin’ in deep dung, Alice,” Nina muttered, pushing her sunglasses up her zinc-covered nose. “Man, you did it. I was all about lookin’ out for ya, but this is some kinda somethin’. I’m not sure I can save you from yourself.”

  Vinnie rolled her head on her neck and stuck her chin out at Alice. “So, FYI, for the novices of the group, here’s what my mother’s trying to say. Yes. Technically, she’s paranormal in that she’ll live forever—unless I kill her. No, she has no significant power to speak of, but she’d sure like to. She’s always known she was a descendant of Hecate, who once cast powerful spells. Once being the operative word here. She loves the idea of being able to make magic. But ever since she did the paranormal version of 23andme and found out she actually has a multitude of Goddess ancestors, she’s upped her spell-casting game. Obviously, we’re of the low-rent Greek ancestry if what she did to you, Oliver, is any indication. In other words, she didn’t inherit the skills to land a spell properly and they aren’t worth the paper they’re written on.”

  “Aha,” was all Oliver said…and that worried Vinnie.

  He was angry. Of course he was, who wouldn’t be? But he was struggling with the fact that he was angry with a woman he truly liked and respected. Vinnie could see it all over his face, and especially in his blue eyes as they searched her mother’s gray ones.

  “Oh, Oliver,” Alice whispered, reaching for his hand, a gesture he successfully avoided. “Am I responsible for that bandage on your head?”

  Oliver looked behind him and backed up to take a seat at the fountain, his gaze dumbstruck. “Um, yeah. I think so. But it’s okay, Alice. I’ll be fine. It’ll all be fine.”

  But Vinnie vehemently shook her head. There was no way she was going to let Oliver poo-poo this act of treachery because he was a nice guy.

  “No! No, it is not fine, Oliver! She’s upended your life, and all because she couldn’t keep her nose out of my love life.”

  Her mother scoffed as though she hadn’t done something life-altering with her tomfoolery. “You don’t have a love life, young lady. Why do you think I went to such extreme measures?”

  Vinnie threw her hands up in the air. Alice was hopeless. “And that’s my business, Mother! Do you know what’s under all that gauze and tape on Oliver’s head, Mom? Do you have any idea how you’ve altered this man’s life—maybe forever?”

  “No,” she murmured as she gave Oliver a worried look.

  “Well, Alice,” Nina drawled with a cluck of her tongue and amusement in her tone. “I can promise you it ain’t a declaration of love by way of a tattoo of your kid’s name on his forehead. You fucked up—big. ’Scuse my language.”

  Alice’s breath was a hiss as she inhaled and sat down next to Oliver. “Oh, Oliver, what happened? What have I done? You have to know I’d never intentionally do anything to hurt you. I need you to know that.”

  Oliver, in all his kind, sweet-natured, albeit misguided decency, took Alice’s hand and patted it.

  “Well, Alice. It seems I’m now a…” It was almost as if he couldn’t say it.

  But Vinnie could.

  So she did, and she didn’t even try to hide the venom in her tone. “He’s a unicorn, Mother, with a big sparkly horn that’s probably growing as we speak. A. Unicorn.”

  With those words from her daughter, Alice Marie Costas did something she’d never done in all of Vinnie’s life.

  She clamped her mouth shut before she promptly fainted.

  Chapter 7

  Nina hauled her unconscious mother up over her shoulder right in front of anyone who cared to gawk while Vinnie and Oliver gathered her papers and her purse and they headed to the car.

  “You sure we shouldn’t take her to the hospital?” Oliver asked Nina, his voice worried.

  “Nah. She just passed out from shock. She’ll be fine,” Nina reassured him as she put Alice in the big black SUV Darnell had driven to Oliver’s, and buckled her in.

  “How do you know? Are you also a doctor? A vampire-witch doctor? Did you add a PHD in there between accidentally becoming a witch and a vampire?” he asked, and he didn’t even try to hide his sarcasm.

  Hoo boy. He was feeling edgy. His lack of sleep wasn’t helping, but Vinnie’d lay bets it was also due to deep disappointment in her mother. He liked Alice, that much was evident, and she’d taken that like and obliterated it.

  Nina made a face at him, flicking her fingers in his face. “First of all, I’m more vampire than witch. Just like Abracadabra Alice here, I suck at spells. Ask my familiar, Calamity the talking cat about that shit. Second of all, I know because I can fuckin’ smell it with my vampire nose. I might suck at being a witch, but I’m a badass vampire and I know scents. She’s in shock. She’ll be fine in a little bit. Let’s get her back to your place, get her a cool cloth, and she’ll be good as damn new. Trust me. I’ve done this a million times.”

  Oliver instantly shut his mouth as they climbed into the SUV, tucked Alice against Vinnie, and drove back to his house in silence.

  Vinnie fought her anger with her mother the entire ride back. Her mother was a busybody, no doubt, but this was so extreme. She’d literally groomed Oliver for this moment. In fact, after spending a couple of months with him, Alice probably knew more about Oliver than he knew about himself.

  She’d purposefully, willfully cast a spell over his drink to make him fall in love with Vinnie. Not only was that horrible, but it left Vinnie looking pathetically desperate, and she hated that almost more than she hated how socially awkward she wa
s.

  And while the last thing she should be thinking about was herself, she had to at least address the fact that she liked Oliver, and under other circumstances, because she felt an innate comfort with him, she might have liked to get to know him in her own time.

  But that was all blown to hell now.

  When they pulled up to Oliver’s neat little Craftsman house, her mother began to stir, still tucked into Vinnie’s side. Nina was there in a jiff, gathering up a groggy Alice in her arms, hoisting her over her shoulders and carrying her inside, where everyone waited to greet them.

  Carl approached both she and Oliver with steaming cups of tea, offering one to Vinnie with a hand that had four duct-taped fingers.

  She’d only heard a little about Carl from Quinn and Khristos, in that he was a zombie, but no one had told her how sweetly shy he was.

  “For…you,” he said with a little smile, his pale green face hopeful.

  Vinnie took the mug and smiled warmly. “Thank you, Carl. This is so kind of you.”

  He turned and she followed him into Oliver’s kitchen, where Nina sat Alice in a dining room chair and Archibald hovered over her with a cool cloth and some aspirin.

  Wanda waddled up to her and gave her a sympathetic smile. “Don’t say a word, honey. I heard all about it from Nina. Mothers, huh?”

  Nina had called Wanda on the way back to Oliver’s and told her, in her colorful way, what was happening, making Vinnie shrink with embarrassment.

  Vinnie pulled her coat off and sighed. “I can’t believe how far she’ll go to find me a husband. I don’t know why I can’t get it through her thick skull that being married and having children isn’t the only life a woman can lead.”

  Wanda, who didn’t look as though she’d been up all night and well into the day, nodded her head in sympathy. “She’s old school—really old school if she’s immortal, I’d guess. It’s a hard mindset to break. There was a time when the only goal was to have a family, especially for a Goddess. Though, I have to admit, I don’t mind having a husband and a child. It’s been the best thing that’s happened to me.”